Dear Puppies,

 The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
 other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
 paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
 it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
 in the slightest.

 The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
 Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
 because I fall faster than you can run.

 I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
 about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
 ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball
 when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
 stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
 sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
 end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

 For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
 by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
 not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob or get your
 paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
 through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
 years -- canine attendance is not required.

 The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's
 butt. I cannot stress this enough!

 To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
 our front door:

 To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

 1. They live here. You don't.
 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
 furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
 who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

 Remember: In many ways, dogs are better than kids because
 they:
 1. Eat less
 2. Don't ask for money all the time
 3 Are easier to train
 4. Normally come when called
 5. Never ask to drive the car
 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
 7. Don't smoke or drink
 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
 9. Don't want to wear your clothes
 10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

 And finally,

 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Unknown Author